Why Bother Naming It?

A catalog appears in my mailbox, showing page after page of ready-made costumes.  Now, let’s just get it out of the way and say that this is going to be your usual “grumpy blogger-type” post because sometimes I feel a little grumpy at the age of thirty-one.  We should also come to grips with the fact that people would rather read cruel words instead of ones dipped in sugar and spice, i.e., “I sure love my puppy.  It’s soft and loyal and the cutest thing.  Heehee.”

So I get to page ten of this catalog and “Adult Female” must be another way to say “slut” or “whore.”  Don’t get me wrong.  I won’t pretend that these costumes would have no effect on me if worn by a woman who fits my type.  They’re good for what they are, and what they are are costumes that will show more than enough cleavage and ass cheek for all to wonder and marvel at.  The one that struck me first?  “Mile High Captain.”  Not only does it say that you like to show off your long legs and ample bosom, but the name also implies that you give it up freely as long as you’re 50,000 feet in the air or at a Halloween party drunk off of Pabst Blue Ribbon.  Awesome, but self-respect is clearly an optional accessory for this crowd-pleaser.

Another soon to be classic is the “Joy Rider” complete with checkered flag and zipped-down (vinyl?) top that exposes, you guessed it, a massive chest.  Again, the name sure says a lot.

Having said that, I don’t go around disrespecting women even though that’s what clearly works in some cases, and you know you’ve seen the douche bag succeed when the woman should have just slapped him and walked away.  I’m just saying that Dave Chappelle was hitting pretty close to home in the clip below.  Start watching at 7:40/9:49.  I sure miss Dave Chappelle’s comedy.  You’ll want to watch the whole dvd of Killing Them Softly if you haven’t seen it already, and if you haven’t, you’re in for some of the best stand-up of our generation.  Okay.  I admit that I don’t watch a lot of stand-up, but it’s probably a really safe assumption on my part.

Here’s the part where I want to know what you’re dressing up as this Halloween.  Not because I want to pass judgement because it’s not really about that.  It’s more about me being older, watching my nieces and nephews grow up, wondering what kind of “Adult Females” and “Adult Males” they’ll come into contact with.

Maybe we’re all better off taking the time to a make our own costumes, following the lead of many fans who attend such shows as San Diego Comic-Con or the East Bay League of Larpers (made that second one up).  Me?  I’ll either be a Ghostbuster or Ninja because those costumes will make me look cool and awesome.  I also don’t have a bubble ass or big, firm breasts, so “Sexy Ringmaster” is out of the question.